Death

My dad just passed away..
Though we have not been together for some time.
Still it hurts to see someone of the family leaving ..
it seems like a part of me died away.

He left behind lots of unfinished stuff
He left behind the unfaithful friends,
He left behind the debts of his heart..
He left behind the most pitiful woman I know..
He left behind all his balance on earth.

His death brings a lot of revelation.
Revelation that somehow I wish I would never know.
Revelation that somehow bring lots of disappointments.
However, through all these revelations,
I learnt the ugliness of human nature, relationships and life.

-jerl

The Chase

Yesterday, I was playing with my god-daughter and something strike me.
She was playing with her little new toy - the red light bulb lantern.

She was holding it and playing with it until..
the light start shining on the floor and all around as we start turning the lantern.
She chase after the light on the floor,
she tried very hard to catch it and hold it on her hand..
she put down the lantern and she can't find the light at all.

When I saw this, I laughed and said,"why did u chase after the false thing instead of holding the lantern?"
I guess at that point, this scene strike me..
cos' it seems like I became her ...

I hold on to some things and cherished them like something very close to my heart..
and somehow it is just some "light" shone from the real thing..
I am only chasing hard and trying to hold it with my hands..
I put down things to get it.. yet I can't have it or find it at all..

I guess I should laugh at myself and said,"why did I chase after the false thing instead of holding on to the real ones?"

how clear the picture is!!
would I lose this picture again?..
I do not know but surely it came into my mind now
and I shall hold on to it till I can't remember it anymore..

-jerl

Evil Nature

Everyone has an evil nature, some choose to believe everyone is born good, I choose to believe otherwise.
Human are evil in nature, given the right time, right situation, they would strife to control and manipulate.
You may or may not have a faith, it doesn't take the evilness away, it only keeps it in control. Thus, if loosen, we are all "devils" inside.

It emerges in all sorts of situation, especially ugly when there is fame and fortune. It would also emerge to protect oneself from anything that is perceived as harmful.
I never believe in altruism. We do all things for a reason.. with an intent.. be it consciously or sub-consciously. However, not many of us reason all our actions and reactions. Some of us even live in self denial that they are righteous and good. I don't believe in sacrificial love, the cross is carried for a reason. Nothing comes without a price.

The love of any kind comes with a condition attached. whether or not it is known or unknown.. if you argued that a parent die for a child cos of pure love, i would believe that is naive cos the parent died so that
he wouldn't live with the guilty of not giving, the conscience that may prick and torture him for the rest of his life,
the social pressure, social standards that he may or may not face
and the unpredictable of the consequence could have subconsciously
lead him to such decision.
There is no pure love per se.

Even yearn to be loved is an evil intent! Aren't we created for that reason..
is it really cos just pure love or cos of loneliness or just the need to be loved?
It is already evil to create for the very pleasure of oneself.

Somehow.. we inherit it in our blood.. in us ...and it'll never ever leave us
alone...
Call me a cynic and skeptic if u want but i still believe evil nature looms in us.
-jerl

Terrorism

This word has risen from nowhere,
above the level that they deserves.

To me it is just such a big joke that
everyone fear of them..
and worst of all some talked about them as if they are some heros.

They are such a bunch of losers and cowards,
who kill the innocents to elevate their own worth.
They need to hide behind some scares, some kidnaps...
like the kid who hide behind the mother's dress.

i wonder if their parents feel the shame,
i wonder if they have any conscience.
if they want to kill,
why do they need to hide behind some god's name?
are they going after people whom they feel inferior to?
or they go for people whom they could never be better than?
or going for people who can barely fight them?

Terrorism is really cowardism..
it is just the world who gives them all the publicity
that makes them think that they are some heros
whom we know are just zeros.

Terrorists are just some blind leading the blind..
hope they would stumble and fall..
or hope their eyes would be cured soon.
perhaps they only need a new guide stick
to lead them on the right path..
or perhaps a guide dog.. or now they need a guide cat..
(guess we all know why.. :P)

Cowards.. Cowards.. Cowards.. i wonder how this word come about..

Everybody.. do a chicken dance for them..
ne ne ne ne ne ne ne.. quack quack quack quack..

-jer

DEPRESSION

Nobody understand how I can be depressed
they constantly think I am positive and
full of hopes for life.
However, I am only human...
I have my weak moments that I can only hide and face myself.

I can fully understand and respect those who died when they are depressed,
but not the people who have not experience depression.
They would only call them "stupid" for things that they couldn't understand.
No one understands the pain that they are going through..
I guess I can cos I had them and still having them.
I believe God let me experience it so that I can emphatise and understand.

Many have died of suicide around me cos they are depressed.
I respect their choice and hope they are happier now.
I guess the thought of continuing after this life and
beginning from nothing again stop me from making the same choice as them.
However, I'll never know when the pain gets too much for me to bear.

Who would ever understand, listen and comfort ?
We are always alone in our pain..
We'll have to let it hurt till it hurts no more..
Maybe the pain is necessary for our growth..
Maybe growth is inevitable with pain...

life is such a pain.. growth in life is inevitable..

-jerl

Childbirth

Childbirth takes so much of the women,
yet i am really not sure if the men appreciate it...
especially by the way some treats their wives.
( i'll write about this some other time)

Many incentives nowadays to give birth,
yet no one realise that it is so easy to do just that..
but to educate a child drains all of the parents.

I ever thought of being a single parent
if the society is open enough to accept the child,
however, now even if the society is acceptable with it,
i wouldn't give it a shot..
as i have seen too many "devils" around...
it takes so much to guide and lead a child to the right path..
yet the future is so unpredictable;
and i would rather not have another devil on this earth.

Many people told me i should get married and have a kid,
cos i would be able to teach them personally..
yet i think it is more than my ability to teach or give them life..
it is a tremendous commitment of life from the beginning of marriage
to the end of that person's life.

May be i choose not to complicate my life,
may be i choose not to be responsible for another life,
may be it is easier to just live my life and answer for my life alone.

i mocked at those who give life sparingly yet withheld to give it a full life,
and admire the courageous ones out there who took this ladden seriously,
and did a good job.. though some failed.. at least they tried.

i am sure i wouldn't be the only one treading on this narrow path,
those who did, be encouraged that it is perfectly alrite not to adhere to social standards,
and most of all ...
You will never be the only one ..

-jerl

Beauty of Nature

Although the world is ugly, Beauty is always around us..

Single

Just heard the song "Single" by Natasha Bedingfield,
I totally agree with what she got to say..

Nothing is wrong with being Single and Happy,
Somehow the world thinks that we need to be with someone to be happy.
Somehow the people I met think that we can't be happily Single.
I wonder what so great about having partners that we can live without.

Some people may tell me I have not met the ONE that's why I said the thing I did..
but I beg to differ..
If love means pain (which shouldn't be the case), I would rather do without.
If love means being visible, then maybe everything would be invisible.

My theory about it is..
Love is part of life but it is not everything in life.
Life is as beautiful with or without marriage or relationship.
Nobody is indispensable.
Everything I can live with, I can live without.
My world continue to revolve with or without another person..
ultimately aren't we born alone and die alone at the end?
Don't they understand that you will only live and die on your own?

Maybe the world has placed too much value on it that makes it too important.
Maybe the world has magnified and exploded it's worth.

Maybe I just constantly doubt the values and things of the world.

-jerl

My Life

Everyone wants to live their own life,
yet they wanted a piece of others.

I want to live my life just the way I want it,
not trying to please anyone,
not obliging to anyone,
not conforming to anyone's values,
not fixing to any social standards.

Just the way I want it.

Many may think I am CRAZY
but that is just the way I want to live my LIFE!

Perhaps they should just mind their own life,
since I don't intend to change the world,
don't try changing my world either.

I refused to live up to anyone's expectation
other than my own..
so please don't use the social measures to judge my life..
cos I am happy the way I am
and living my life to the fullest the way I know and want.