Found..

It was interesting to find this blog that I never thought existed.
It was completely different from the one I had found before and saw.

That was the other me and this is the other me.
 I think that makes a balance or rather both are reflective of me.

The screams that I had seem more vivid here but it sound more angry that I was.
The other seem calmer but more thoughts than usual.
Both are part of me.

It is more surprising to note that I have this blog yet not really continued..
Actually I know why... it is that part of me that prefer to remain private.
The part of me that prefer to write it and burn it,
compared to write it and any one can read about it.

However, perhaps both exist to balance me.

Enjoy both while I can or care to .. but like I always think..
any parts of all these writing may have changed and may not be as accurate
but it denotes that particular day, that particular moments and that particular thoughts.
Not being responsible for my words? 
Perhaps but I am true to them at that moment when I write it.
 

Felt so frustrated with life!

I don't know what to do with my life!!

I don't know why am i made in the first place!

The more i asked questions, the more i felt like dying away.

There is nothing on this earth that really spur me on to live.
What should I do?

I gave Him a deadline that i felt like giving up now..
50 seems so far from me.

When can i end it ?
When can i stop this search?

I don't want to be like one of them,
living, reproducing, ending.

I don't have a purpose to live,
I refuse to reproduce another of my kind,
I refuse to go through life like the rest... eat, work, play, sick, die.
I refuse to believe that we are only made for a cycle.
I refuse to believe that we are made only for his pleasure viewing.
There must be something more to life!!

How come i come back to this point again..
When I would cross this hurdle?

I do not envy those who have a career..
for it comes to nothing at the end anyway.

I do not envy those who have a partner..
for it comes to nothing at the end anyway.

I do not envy those who have loads of kids..
for it comes to nothing at the end anyway.

Why are we here???? to live and multiply?
how are we different from the animals then?
perhaps they are better off without a brain that rationalise..

When would i die away?

When someone tells me he/she has a cancer and dying..
i ask why is it not me?
When someone tells me his love one died..
i ask why is it not me? when would it be me?
perhaps they are better off than us who continue to live.

those who live wanted to change things.. but how much can we change?
so what if we change things? all would be nothing at the end of the day.

when would i pass away.. ???
i am still waiting ...

Those God Chaser!!

Recently another God chaser came to me, i seems to relive a past that i dont choose to remember.
Many would think i have backslided but i think i just believe a different thing from them.
I spent too many years in the church in the past, it is nice and cosy to have people believing the same thing as you.
However, as time passes, i felt restricted to what they believe. yes, bible is the word of God and yes, Jesus is the son of God.
but why our belief of who God is and how he is, are totally different?

Maybe i have deviated from what they believe, maybe they can start calling me an extreme but i really dont care.
Someone tried to tell me otherwise recently that i was afraid of the bible and not want to talk about it. it makes me really think of these people again. i am not sure what to feel really. perhaps i disagree with them to a certain extend but i choose to believe in a bigger God.

When i was in the church, they tell you to behave according to their "code of conduct". now, this guy tells me that God's patience would run out. Threats works the worst on me and i hated anyone that uses this tactic to get people to believe in God.

They, the church goers, always claim this and that based on their own interpretation of scriptures and verses. i choose to believe in a God that truly knows all. Does God created bible or bible created God?

I believe in a God that is loving no matter what. then how come they kept emphasizing on sins and not his love? is sins bigger than God? God is afraid of sins?

Some stuff they said really make me ponder. the probationary period for men?? my goodness, who's time are they on? men's calculated time or God's time? i really not sure what are they talking about? every man try to predict the time for judgement, some said year 2000, but havent we pass it by 7 years now? i guess i dont believe their prediction as they are just mere man, yet so many given God's love a time span. how ridiculous to me.

If God created the world, doesn't he has the right to take it back anytime? if God created all things, doesn't he already know the presence of sins? He already know what would or wouldnt happen, i am not sure he wanted us to stup so low for this.

The best thing that God has given us is the free will and i guess we should allow all to exercise it since it is God's given. so people, do and say whatever you want.

i still believe my God is a loving, forgiving, BIG God whose ways are always higher, whose wisdom is unfathomable, whose love is always abound!! he is a BIG BIG GOD!!!!